Today's comic depicts a situation that really happened in a setting much like the one shown. It demonstrates the veritable rift in relationship attitude between men and women. "Emotion" to women is love, attentiveness, romance, loyalty, devotion, desire, attraction, and understanding. Emotion to men is putting his penis in a vagina. A conversation between a couple is like a conversation between an enlightened person gifted with language and a caveman gifted with grunts. "I feel like you're not really attentive to my feelings. I need to know where we stand!" To which the man might reply, "Ung hubbu! Wruh." By the way, if you're a guy reading this, you may have missed the second sentence in this paragraph, since you probably zoned out. I don't blame you.

I happen to be blessed with an uncanny understanding of women (which I utilize shamelessly). Sometimes I act like a liaison between the genders. In a circumstance involving parties that I don't feel a particular kinship to, my advice might be limited to "quit being a dick" to the guy and "quit being a bitch" to the gal. This usually doesn't help. The real difficulty between a lovelorn pair is communication. I know, I know; you're thinking I just sprouted breasts. Bear with me. The problem is that women and guys each speak a different language. Women talk in a language called Chick-speak, and guys talk in a language called English. And while the two sound remarkably similar, they are not! Anything that a guy says translates to exactly what came out of his mouth. Anything that a chick says translates to "I'm horny."

You're probably laughing right now. If you're not, then quit reading this, you humorless prick. But for those of you stifling giggles, be assured that while my words do contain whimsy, they are also quite serious. Women are turned on by emotion. So when a broad starts whining about something trivial, there are three optimal responses:

• Ignore her
• Make fun of her
• Put your tongue in her mouth

That's it. Never ever argue logically! Talking logic to a girl is like repeatedly slamming your face into a wall until you fall comatose. Spock died a virgin. So if you ever hear the banshee wail coming from your mistress, simply say, "I totally understand, honey" and then unzip your pants.

~Fuzzy

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